


Ash and Blood

by oceantears



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Asexual Raphael Santiago, Blood, Christianity, Minor Character Death, Raphaels life, Religion, Vampires, Violence, prayers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceantears/pseuds/oceantears
Summary: All he has is pain and a thirst that can't be quenched with water, neither with normal one nor with Holy Water, only with blood.





	Ash and Blood

**Author's Note:**

> Me  
> English isn't my first language so please tell me where I made mistakes! :)  
> I do not, in any way mean to insult any Christians or other religions for that matter, I do not mean to say that Christanity is a bad religion or that God is cruel or something like that. Some people belive in God, some don't and both is fine.  
> The way Christianity is portrayed in this fanfiction is not the way I personally see it, but it was what I imagined Raphael, who was raised very Catholic, might feel.  
> Trigger warning: _Blood_ , a lot of it, though not in the sense that someone is killed, more like Raphael bleeds. I dont think vampires in that universe actually do that but it fit well with the story. Oh, also blood drinking.  
>  _Minor Character death_  
>  _Violence_  
>  Neither of those two is graphic but if that's not you cup of tea you probably don't wanna read this fic. 
> 
> Also, this story is both set in the book-universe as well as in the tv-universe. I just took parts from both of them that I liked, most is from the series, though. If you don't know either, reading this might be a bit confusing, but if you only know one, you should be fine. :)
> 
> There are a few spanish words in this fic:  
> madre - mother   
> familia - Family  
> this long piece of text- the part of the prayer that's already there in English
> 
> I barely speak spanish and the prayer is translated by google, so if there are any mistakes, let me know! The same goes for the english prayer, I do not know if the tranlation is correct.
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!  
> Have fun!

He is seven.  
He is too young to understand what he’s doing when he kneels on the floor, hands folded; mumbling the words his mother tells him to.

He doesn’t understand but he doesn’t have to, his mother said that this is a prayer, designed to tell his God that he believes in him, that he adores him, no, _worship_ is the word his mother had used. He doesn’t really know what he’s saying but it doesn’t matter because it’s important to his mother, his _madre_ , and apparently it is important to God. He hopes that the prayer will help him in his life, that the whisper of God’s name will keep him clean and pure and healthy, just like his mother wants him to be.

 

He doesn’t know that in eight years, when he is fifteen he will be bitten by a vampire and will become one as well. He will become a soulless, undead creature. A creature that fears nothing but the hate of those he once loved as a human and the God he cannot speak of. 

He doesn’t know that he will become a monster, with a mouth full of blood and his teeth as sharp as knifes as they sink into his friends’ bodies. 

Young, naïve, _human_ Raphael doesn’t know any of this and therefore he continues to pray, to worship and beg for salvation, to speak to a God that has already turned his back on him.

 

\---

He is fifteen and he _burns._ He is sure that this must be Hell, an eternal punishment for a crime he can’t remember committing. Maybe it was his recklessness, his stupidity, maybe it wasn’t. It doesn’t matter. What matter is the pain that flows through his veins, through his whole body, sharp, like a thousand needles. What matters is the thirst he feels, the unquenchable thirst. 

All he has is pain and a thirst that can't be quenched with water, neither with holy water nor normal one, only with blood. 

 

When he sinks his teeth in the boy he once called a friend, he feels no regret. He only feels his incredible thirst, demanding to be stilled. And still it he does.

\---

He does not know how much time has passed since he murdered his friends, since he was transformed into a monster, worse than any demon Hell could send. 

The man standing in front of him does not seem old but Raphael can see his age in his eyes, he’s older than anyone Raphael has ever met, older than anyone he will ever meet.  
The man isn’t human, but he isn’t quite like Raphael, either. He is a supernatural being, born out of hate and evil, and yet, he is no demon. 

The man introduces himself as Magnus Bane and he saves Raphael. He saves him from himself and the devils inside of him and though he says that he is no angel but a warlock, Raphael thanks God for sending him this man, who, in his eyes, is an angel purer than anything else in this world. 

 

The man brings him home again and Raphael returns to his family, the ones he loves, the ones that used to love him.

There’s his mother who does not love him anymore for he is damned and a monster, because to her he is a demon from hell.

But there’s also his sister who he loves, who thinks she loves him, who thinks she can free him of the monster that's in him. She is a fool, for she doesn't know that he _is_ the monster and she would need to kill him, too, if she wanted to kill the monster.   
She is a fool for the way she kneels there, head bowed before the cross, a rosary clutched in her hands that does not burn her. She prays, and unknowingly she prays for death.

She prays for the evil spirit to leave his body, she prays that Raphael does what has to be done in order to be free. She does not know that the thing Raphael has to do, is bury his fangs in her neck and _drink_ for he needs blood, he craves it.

And he cannot control it.

 

Raphael leaves his family mere days after he has returned to them and this time, he does not come back, does not look back.   
It feels as if he were all alone, only he and the God his sister prayed to, the God that does not care about Raphael. But he isn’t alone. He still has a man, a man that helped him once, a man that will help him again.

Raphael seeks Magnus Bane and finds him. And he is accepted by him. He is welcomed by him. And he is safe, for Raphael would never drink from a warlock.

So he gets to know the man who says he is as old as time, but actually is about 400 years old, with hands that can both heal and inflict unimaginable pain, the man who will help him find his path in the world. The man who will try and help him find his God again, who will try support him in his search for salvation even if the mere fact that Raphael _exists_ is reason enough for him to be damned forever. 

 

He nearly succeeds. With the help of Magnus Bane, Raphael finds the path that leads back to his God again. It is a dark path, full of pain and anguish. He does not tell Magnus because no matter how good a friend Magnus is, he will never be able to understand Raphael and his devotion to his God fully. 

This way that leads to his God is full of pain, blood and covered by ash. It is a long way to salvation but for his God, Raphael is willing to walk it.

 

\---

There’s an unpleasant prickling in his body, as if needles were floating through his veins instead of the blood that was there once.  
He can _feel_ that he’s getting closer to the church and even though it is now starting to hurt, he doesn’t stop.  
He has tried to beg Him, has tried to explain that he did not mean to become what he is, but his God did not listen. His God did not forgive. 

He has prayed, even though the words tasted like copper and iron, like a sharp blade, cutting his tongue in half, still he kept on praying, praying for something, someone to save him from this never ending pain, to save him from himself and damnation.  
His prayers faded into thin air, unheard.

He does not know if his God does not listen because he is a monster and unworthy of forgiveness or because He can’t hear Raphael’s begging, his screams when God’s name turns to blood in his mouth and all-consuming pain engulfs him whenever he utters it or a prayer. 

He does not know why his God doesn’t save him or at least shows him that he is unworthy, that he is damned, a monster, worse than a demon but still deserving of a place in Hell. So he tries to beg, tries to make amends for all the wrong he has done, for all the people he has hurt, he has killed.

And if the pain searing through his body is the only way to seek His forgiveness, then so be it.

 

Raphael steps on the ground of the church, the fenced area in front of it, because he does not deserve to enter His place of worship, because he can’t enter the church, and he _burns._ He burns, his feet feel as if they were on fire, his body buckling in searing pain, the cross his mother gave him hot, too hot against his throat.

He takes one step, two steps and screams.   
The cross around his neck burns him, as does the ground he’s walking on, but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t yank the necklace away from him because that is what he needs to do. It is the only thing he has to offer now, the only way to pay for his sins.

Raphael screams in agony, but still he sets one foot in front of the other, his throat burning with the heat of the cross, the only thing he has left of his mother, his _familia_. 

He screams and he begs his God for forgiveness, for love, for death. He whispers and prays, his body burning, curled up to shield himself from the pain. The pain that must be God’s punishment for all the wrong he’s done, for the people he has killed.

He whispers the prayer his mother taught him in two languages and spits the blood and ash that form in his mouth as he says the words onto the ground in front of the church, retching and burning. He prays and he entreats, _And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil._ And then he does it again, in Spanish because this is the last thing he can offer, the last thing he can give. _y perdónanos nuestras ofensas, así como nosotros perdonamos a quienes nos ofenden, no nos dejes caer en tentación, y líbranos del mal_ It does not help and he pleads for an answer, for anything, for God to tell him how to be saved.

No one answers and a voice whispers inside his head: "Monsters do not belong in Heaven. You are not God's child, Raphael; you are a creature of Satan."

The voice, thinks the sobbing man as he clutches his cross so hard that his hand burns, is right.

 

\---

His mother had said once, when he was very young and dared to question his faith, that one day he'd understand why he needs God, why he has to believe with all his heart, believe in something he has no proof for. With time there will be an explanation, there will be proof for His existence, she had said. 

He has wandered this earth for more than seventy years now and he still has no proof for Him. All he has is the rosary he clutches in his fingers and the feeling of them burning because of it. All he has is a mouth full of ash and blood whenever he dares to say His name. 

He promises that he will never turn his back on his God and he doesn't, not even when the prayers burn his throat and the pearls on the rosary seem to scar his fingers.

\---

He sits next to a throne, next to the person leading a group of beings that are like him, that are damned like him but do not seem to care. They have made peace with what they have become, with their condemnation. 

Raphael hasn’t.

 

He does no lead them, Camille does, but he watches them get hurt, he watches them hurt him.   
He brings Camille the mundane, Simon, but stops her before she can kill him. Maybe this will save him.

It doesn’t. 

Raphael has to dig the grave for another lost soul and he does so while praying because if one being has to suffer because of him, he deserves the pain and bitter-tasting ash that comes with whispering God’s name. 

He creates another demon, another reprobate and he ousts Camille, making the group of vampires his. 

He rules them, including the new one, for he did what he had to do to make him pledge loyalty. 

But to the new vampire, to Simon, pledging is just another way of lying and he betrays Raphael and his clan. And Raphael wants revenge, he needs it _for you must not lie_ and he nearly gets it. The damned that stand by his side are ready and full of desire to hunt, hurt, destroy, but they can’t. Not when light breaks through the darkness that always surrounds them, burning, glowing like the sanctuary light. 

He has to let them go.

That night, he prays until the blood is dribbling down his chin and God’s name turns to ash in his mouth.

\---

Simon comes back and Raphael forces him to help him. It does not feel wrong, for it is something that needs to be done.

Simon comes back and he nearly attacks Raphael when he is weakened, hurt by the torture he was put under, the horrible pain he had to face. It had hurt, it had burned, yes, but not as much as the name that passes his lips whenever he prays. It hadn’t hurt as much as the knowledge that he is a monster and forever will be. 

 

Days later the new vampire moves back to his mother and Raphael is left alone with his group of damned.

He does not pray as much as he used to but he still is a monster and he knows it. He is poison, _unworthy_ and sins and sinners must be punished for this is the way the world works and Raphael knows that if he does not punish himself through praying, someone else will.

He is right.

\---

The girl with hair black like the night is begging.

Isabelle is addicted, addicted to the pain that comes with the bite she wants, and addicted to the relief that comes afterwards.  
Raphael understands, at least partially. He, too, is addicted to pain, only that his one has no end. He will hurt for as long as he lives because he inflicts it on himself, over and over again. He hurts himself because he somehow still hopes that if he screams loud enough, if he bleeds enough, if his pain is bad enough, then he will be saved, he will be salvaged.

He helps her. 

He bites her and she enjoys it, needs it.   
After a while, he does, too.

He cannot stop, he is damned, and there is no salvation for the undead. He continues to drink from Isabelle, intoxicated by her blood, unable to stop.

He cannot think, he cannot stop, but he can feel. And he is convinced that her lips are soaked in holy water, because why else should they burn him when she kisses him?

It hurts.

Raphael stops and opens his mouth as if to scream but no sound escapes him, and as he pushes her away, she realizes that he's been through all of this a hundred times and more.

 

\---

The next time she comes to him, he refuses and nearly gets slain.

Afterwards, when he is kneeling, hands folded together, blood dribbling from his mouth; he wonders if it would have been better had she just killed him. 

 

\---------------  
\---------------

 

Raphael is damned and he knows that he will forever be.   
He is a monster and in a way he is holy, with eyes burning like the sanctuary light; his lips are soaked in poison, as sweet as holy water.  
He prays and summons demons.

When he utter His name, when he begs for forgiveness, his eyes burn, as if he were still able to cry, as if he were still able to feel emotion. As if he were anything but a monster.  
Lord (the word turns to blood in his mouth, choking him), Lord, he wishes he were.

 

Raphael knows that he has killed and that he has sinned and he will do it again. He does not deserve forgiveness; he does not deserve his God. 

 

He is kneeling now, head bowed, hands folded and he whispers, prays.  
The blood drips from his mouth onto his hands, onto the floor, and the ash burns in his throat with every whispered word. The cross around his neck burns into his skin the same way it always does and he remembers something he heard in church once, a lifetime ago, when Raphael was still young. Still human.

 _God forgives everyone_ , the priest had said.

 

Raphael shakes his head and spits blood onto the floor.  
“No”, he whispers, “my God doesn’t.”


End file.
